The Death Pool Exclusive – It’s Not Junior Hockey When… GMHL’s South Muskoka Shield Edition

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All right kids. Back by popular demand, the good ol’ “It’s not Junior hockey when..” segment. It looks like this is becoming a pretty damn popular feature with readers based on how many emails we are getting on teams now. However, just bitching about things isn’t proof. We’ll only write about things with proof ~ Pictures, documents, video, or multiple people saying the same thing is what we need.

Today’s edition, is a story about an inevitable fall from grace. The South Muskoka Shield – Once the jewel of the GMHL, which a jewel in that money-whore-scam of a “league” is some 25 cent candy ring one would find at the bottom of the discount bin at the dollar store.

The Shield were once front runners in the league, which isn’t hard, but now we have multiple reports of the team now being run on less of a budget than a Tim Bits house league team. Here’s just a sample of horror stories heard over there, but instead of the usual, “it’s not Junior hockey when…”, I figured I’d phrase it in a special way to help all you kids out there recognize if you’re indeed playing for a cash-grabbing piece of shit team that will do nothing for your hockey career. I’ll style it after a good comedy bit. Here Goes…

If you ride a run down school bus with all your hockey bags taking up the whole last 5 rows stinking up the bus, and the heat doesn’t work…..You might be playing for the South Muskoka Shield.

If you get 2 rolls of tape for the whole team – 1 black, 1 clear, and only for games….. you might be playing for the South Muskoka Shield.

If your coach has the bus go out of the way to pick him up and drop him off in another city on the way to road games….. you might be playing for the South Muskoka Shield.

If your head coach can’t have practices from Thursday to Sunday, because he has to work his other job cutting grass….. you might be playing for the South Muskoka Shield.

If you get assaulted by a ref in the league, as seen on this video, and the team does nothing, to protect the “image” of the league….. you might be playing for the South Muskoka Shield.

https://youtu.be/eDiBsD3v4V8

If arena staff outnumber fans, but your team website puts pictures and videos of years past when they used to get a crowd….. you might be playing for the South Muskoka Shield.

If 90% of your team speaks Slovakian, because you were one of only 4 stupid people not to do some research on your team before you signed and paid your money….. you might be playing for the South Muskoka Shield.

If you ask for a trade because of how terribly run the team is, and the coach tells you to live at the billet house, and not even practice for a month until you apologize to him….. you might be playing for the South Muskoka Shield.

If the team’s recordings of the games are done on a cell phone… you might be playing for the South Muskoka Shield.

If your coach is always asking players for some of their chewing tobacco, then takes a giant wad and spits everywhere….. you might be playing for the South Muskoka Shield.

Ahhhhhh yes, keep those stories coming in people. We love this shit. info@thejuniorhockeynews.com

~ Peter Northgraves
*The Death Pool is a mix of comedy, and satire in connection with recent events. Unfortunately for the GMHL its not too funny for them. It is not an official report of current events although it may look as though the news is so accurate that it could one day happen or may be happening.