The Death Pool – GMHL Sturgeon Falls Lumberjacks Mercifully Killed Off

Good Monday morning boys and girls!  Its the first day of February and spring is right around the corner!  I don’t know about you, but spring cant come soon enough for me.  After the last snow storm I am completely fine if we don’t get any more for a while.

It looks like the latest round of storms have claimed another victim too!  Rest In Peace Sturgeon Falls Lumberjacks.  Yep, the GMHL has lost another shit show participant.

With only six games remaining in the season the Sturgeon Falls Lumberjacks close up shop?!?  That just sounds a little suspicious doesn’t it kids?

See the team blamed it on player injuries and school commitments in their statement.  Yeah, but I am here to tell ya that’s all bullshit.

See the Lumberjacks had been using illegal players the last few games.  Illegal players as in borrowed players from other teams to fill out nightly rosters.

Why did that happen?  Well, the Sturgeon falls players that were with the team, decided they were going to go home after having enough of the circus that they called an operation.

A house league Head Coach that took over from the Owner who was the head coach, who was told if he coached again the whole team would quit.  Practice jerseys that might be from the stone age after having been recycled so many times.

Travel by school bus.  Travel by car pool.  All after the recruiting promise was coach travel for all away games.  Reducing practice times from three times a week to two times a week to save money.  Trying to collect money from players before they were expected to make a payment.

Screaming at players publicly about money.  Screaming at players publicly about mistakes.  Screaming simply for the sake of screaming because you cant control yourself!  This was the Sturgeon Falls Lumberjacks.

You know all the things that make a team not junior hockey!

Couple that with the GMHL’s recent public relations issues concerning the video tape that surfaced a few weeks ago, and you have a mercy killing here.

So here is the deal kids.  This is a team that survived in the GMHL for years.  I say survived only because it took years for them to fold because so many of you were dumb enough to go pay them to play there.  This joke should have ended years ago.  But you allow teams like this to continue by giving them money.

Now the GMHL is looking to expand again next year.  That’s right kids, there are more suckers lining up to pay franchise fee’s.  Hard to believe isn’t it?!

So, how many of you are going to sign up to help teams like this survive next year?  How many of you are going to be dumb enough to believe anyone is actually going to watch a non sanctioned league where there are so many bad players that its common for teams to lose by double digits?!

When are you parents going to wake the hell up and realize your kid just isn’t good enough to play?!  You know all that money could be going to pay for their education?!

But hey, I would like to thank the Sturgeon Falls Lumberjacks for helping me reach a goal.  With your failure we have officially reached my predicted number of teams folding for the year.  Back in April of 2015 I predicted 24 or more teams would fold.  Sturgeon Falls is team 24.

In case you don’t know how significant that 24 number is, it means that approximately 500 players have been screwed over this year.  500 players!

Now, anyone who believe that we need more pay to play expansion please  kindly follow the Oompa Loompa to the back of the room where we will be signing people up for admission to the Unicorn Petting Zoo that has a one time $10,000 entry fee!  This is a one time opportunity to see real live Unicorns in their natural habitat feeding on rainbows and pooping out gold coins.

David Wagner – The Angel Of Death – For Those Who Live Stupidly I salute You

*The Death Pool is a mix of comedy, and satire in connection with recent events.  It is not an official report of current events although it may look as though the news is so accurate that it could one day happen or may be happening.

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