The Death Pool – The Kalkaska Rhinos Might Be A Team To Avoid If They Come Recruiting

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Hey kids, its a new year, and a new week.  I tell ya, I have been busy working on this story for more than a month.  You know, just need to make sure I have all my shit together before we make sure the public is aware of what one particular team has a habit of doing.

Allow me to introduce the Kalkaska Rhinos as the team players and parents might want to run like hell from if they have other options.

Questionable deals on player tuition?  Yep.  You know, like signing a player who tells you he cant afford it and then benching, cutting, or suspending him when he doesn’t pay like he told you he couldn’t?!

Cutting a player and keeping all the tuition paid up front?  Yep.  You know, because a kid stayed out late with the rest of the team he should have to forfeit about five thousand bucks?!

Going through one assistant coach after another because they are the ones messing the team up in some way?  Yep, on assistant coach number four in 8 months!!

A team whos Coach pulls his goalie when leading by multiple goals simply to run up the score?!  Yeah, you read that right kids, and it happened on more than one occasion!

See when you get a whole lot of roster turnover before the half way mark of the season, you got yourself a tell tale sign that something isn’t going so well with a team.

When you hear a coach yelling how he’s tired of losing while in public that might be another sign.  Or, when a coach decides to have his players run laps and stairs right before a game because he is “tired of losing”, that might be a sign too.

See kids, Karma is a cold hearted bitch.  You know what I am sayin?  I mean that chick will wait, and wait.  She will sit quietly in a corner just looking to make herself known.

Turns out Karma was in the house this weekend.  I met the chick for a few drinks after watching Kalkaska play against Traverse City on Saturday night.  Yeah I figured WTF I would go check out a game since I was in the area for New Years Eve anyway.

Well that Karma, she sure is sneaky.  She’s been working on Kalkaska for quite a while now.  After starting out 13 and 6, the team has gone 1 and 13, including the current 0 and 10 streak.  Funny how all that losing coincides with all the shitty treatment of players and parents!  Yep, that Karma she is a bitch!  Ha Ha Ha But man she does seem to have a sense of humor.

That same sense of humor extends to the roster too.  Yep, the team that dressed 18 skaters no problem on opening night, could only dress 13 on the first game back from break.

Oh snap, and don’t look now, but the team leading scorer is on the trading block.  The asking price?  Five players and cash for one player.  Oh yeah, and for good measure the five players Kalkaska would like to get would need to pay Kalkaska $2000 bucks each to finish the season there!  ROTFLMAO  You’re kidding right?  Like someone is going to trade almost a quarter of their roster for one player?!?!?!

Look, now I am not saying Kalkaska doesn’t have some decent players on the team because they do.  What I am saying is that it doesn’t matter how good they might be.  If you’re on a ship that’s been setting off its own torpedo’s chances are you’re going to sink!

So, if anyone has some extra life preservers laying around, you might want to send them to Kalkaska because the ship is taking on some serious water.

Oh yeah, and before I forget, you remember how Kalkaska would pull the goalie when up a few goals early in the year?  Well, every other team in the league remembers it too, and now they will run up the score every chance they get.  Hmmmm, you think the 10 to 1 ass kicking Traverse City doled out Saturday night was sending a message?  Nahhhhhhh that would mean someone would actually have to be smart enough to receive the message!  Ha Ha Ha

Now don’t get me wrong, the team has a great website, the best facility in Northern Michigan, and they do a ton of video on players.  Come to think of it though, if you try to put feathers on a dog, it still don’t make it a chicken!

David Wagner – The Angel Of Death – For Those Who Live Stupidly I salute You

*The Death Pool is a mix of comedy, and satire in connection with recent events.  It is not an official report of current events although it may look as though the news is so accurate that it could one day happen or may be happening.

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