USPHL To Buy Out USA Hockey

In an effort to resolve what has been one of the most contentious relationships in Junior Hockey, the USPHL is purchasing USA Hockey and making sweeping changes.

For years, USA Hockey’s Junior Council has denied the USPHL many of its initiatives. Namely to have the NCDC officially labeled Tier II under the USA Hockey umbrella.

“If you cant beat them; buy them.” Said Richard Gallant from the USPHL Offices “They don’t want to play ball, then we will just buy the ball field and play the game anyway.”

Officials from USA Hockey would not speak on the record. Off the record though, several officials were talking;

“Yeah, I am screwed. I back doored the USPHL a few years ago at a junior council meeting and now they own the junior council. I am hopping I can make enough money driving Uber to support my family after this shit.”

Another USA Hockey junior council member had this to say;

“I thought I was signing a non disclosure agreement. Shit, I only went to the meeting for the free drinks and I don’t even remember what happened. Probably shouldn’t have been doing shots, but that’s water under the bridge now.”

USPHL members were giddy at the outcome of the meetings that lead to this takeover;

“We are going to sanction teams in China and Japan for expansion next year.” Said newly appointed expansion Czar R. C. Lyke “I am big fan of PF Changs, and I think we may be able to bring them on board as sponsor with this move.”

When reached by TJHN at the USPHL offices, Josh Boyd, director of communications and media had this to say;

“I am screwed. As if I didn’t have enough to do with the largest organization in the country, they have to go and take over the rest of the country? Yeah, this pretty much lowers my life expectancy at least tens years with all the work it adds.”

Coincidentally, Boyd had just signed a lifetime contract with the USPHL.

How this shakes out for all the players across the country? No one knows. But it sure is fun to think about everyone playing in the same sandbox again.