Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls… it’s that magical time of year again.
The Facebook messages start rolling in. The emails begin arriving. Every struggling Tier III—or my personal favorite, the “Pay-to-Play Tier II”—organization is suddenly one player away from becoming the next hockey dynasty.
Meanwhile, the well-run organizations are busy preparing for season-opening events.
The bad ones?
They’re preparing for their funeral.
So, without further ado…
Top 10 Signs Your Team Is Already Preparing to Fold
10. The coach calls you a week after you sign…
…not to welcome you.
Not to talk hockey.
Not to discuss your development.
He wants to know if you have any friends who can afford to play.
Notice he didn’t ask if they can skate.
Or score.
Or spell “forecheck.”
Just whether they can clear a credit card.
“But it’s all about player development.”
Sure it is.
9. The coach says camp will have 30 or 40 players.
You show up…
…and there are 19 goalies.
Apparently everyone wanted to be “the guy.”
Spoiler alert: nobody was.
Yes, this actually happened.
8. Before you sign, they remind you…
…for the third time…
“All tuition must be paid in full before September 1.”
Translation:
“Our financial plan depends entirely on your parents beating Visa’s payment deadline.”
Organizations with stable finances generally don’t sound like they’re running a telethon.
7. Main Camp is next week…
…but your “home rink” still has absolutely no practices or games listed on the public schedule.
Maybe they’re keeping everything secret.
Or…
Maybe they forgot to actually rent the ice.
6. The coach explains your practices are at 9:00 or 10:00 p.m.
Because…
“The youth association won’t give us better ice.”
Nothing inspires confidence quite like admitting the local youth hockey program would rather give mites prime ice than your junior team.
And before anyone says mornings are impossible…
College teams somehow survive practicing at 6:00 a.m.
Amazing how that works.
5. Recruiting promises luxury road trips.
First-class hotels.
Amazing meals.
Professional travel.
Then last year’s Facebook photos appear.
Five players stuffed into one hotel room.
A retired school bus that looks like it transported dinosaurs.
And enough Hot-N-Ready pizzas to convince you Little Caesars is the team’s official nutritionist.
Living the dream.
4. They rave about their incredible billet families.
You ask who you’ll be living with.
“We’re still working on that.”
Translation:
“We’re hoping someone says yes before you arrive.”
Nothing says “organized” like housing being determined sometime between your arrival and Thanksgiving.
3. One of the team’s biggest sponsors is the local pub.
Players 19 and older get a free beer after every home game.
Because apparently the best postgame recovery drink isn’t water…
It’s whatever’s on tap.
Nothing screams “elite development” quite like a loyalty card at the neighborhood bar.
2. The team spends months telling you how incredible the billeting program is.
Then you arrive for a main camp visit.
You meet last year’s billet mom.
You meet last year’s billet daughter.
They’re both pregnant…
…by the same former player.
No.
This is not a joke.
I wish it were.
1. You visit the team’s website.
You’re expecting player announcements.
Community events.
Recruiting news.
Instead…
The roster includes centers named McFlurry, McMuffin, and McNugget.
Okay…
That one was made up.
Unlike some of the players currently listed on certain junior hockey websites.
Because nothing builds recruiting credibility like inventing a roster before you’ve invented a team.
Welcome to Silly Season.
Keep sending us your stories.
Without our readers, half of this insanity would never see daylight.
And before anyone accuses us of making this stuff up…
Only Number 1 was fiction.
Everything else?
Already happened.
…and it’s not even August yet.
